The Narcissists Soap Opera Featuring the Triangle

Posted On September 30, 2019

I remember as a teenager, rushing home from school to watch my favourite soap operas, from The Bold and the Beautiful to Days of our Lives. I remember being captivated by the exquisitely woven stories of triangulation and other narcissistic tactics as the scripts played out.

Year after year, I was engrossed in the scheming and lying and cheating, the undermining and the planned cruelty.

Eventually, there came a time when I sat up and thought to myself, hang on just a mo! If John Black (remember him, always wore black had the piercing STARE) from Days of Our Lives only went to Marlena and asked directly if XYZ were true and in what context the information was framed, and they discussed this like normal functioning adults, none of the whole next seasons would be possible.

There would be no storyline at all, in fact, in what was mostly flimsy storytelling, to begin, and with a covert narcissist, it is the flimsy but a carefully told story that is the enticing hook that draws the innocent bystander into this new drama.

One deliberately misdirected lie by one of the cast members sends John Black charging into the sunset (or storming off angrily) and heroically (even coming back from the dead a few times) doing something that takes at least another 20 episodes for the rest of the cast and storyline to unravel, based on this false, unverified, but oh so believable, lie.

A much older me got a humorous kick out of switching the sound off and watching the soap operas this way. The long lingering stares, the body language, the open-mouthed, stunned amazement at some comment or another, the tears and the tragedies shaking out of the supposed story, silently, like an old movie, all taught me a valuable lesson. Narcissists are master drama creators. They make a lot of noise and when they are weaving the soap opera script of your life. Your own instincts, beliefs, values and what you know to be true, get drowned out in the noise they make around you. You scramble to unravel the story that the narcissist is authoring with ample amounts of deflection and misinformation or only just enough information, mixed with a tiny taste of truth and blame.  

For those living or dealing with a narcissist, this should feel somewhat familiar. It feels like you are stuck in someone else’s soap opera, and you don’t know your lines because you’ve never been given the script.

Triangulation is when you are deliberately played against someone else or even a few other people by the narcissist. The objective of this is to single you out, shame you and isolate you for the narcissists’ cruel entertainment, or to gain narcissistic ‘food’ from you in the form of your hurt feelings, any kind of control, monetary gain or anything else they think that they can squeeze out of you.

The Soap Opera of Triangulation.

Every single soap opera has the same dynamic that often makes them diabolically funny –the characters go around in circles, questioning themselves and their lives, as one devilish character – whom we usually love to hate – directs the ‘traffic’ of information between the characters to make this dynamic work.

Tragically, in real life, for thousands and thousands of people worldwide, this dynamic is not so funny at all.

It takes more than two to tango when it comes to narcissistic scheming, in fact, the more people on the dance floor the better for the DJ and the narcissist, who relishes changing the tune often, abruptly and purposely to create maximum confusion on the dance floor is always the DJ in control.

When you are being triangulated by a narcissist, it is a traumatic and heart-wrenching experience that will make you question every aspect of your own being. People you thought you knew or trusted treat you differently. You’re unsure if you’ve said something to offend them, but don’t even have the right questions to ask.

As a viewer, to have all the answers at my fingertips is so easy, and so hard when I’m in the tumultuous grip of one of these triangulations myself and cannot find my own way out. Why is it so hard to recognise and remedy when you’re the direct target of a triangulation? The answer may lay in how it is set up to start with.

How does the narcissist set up the Triangle?

It starts with sweeping statements about you said as ‘truth’, and an all-encompassing put down ‘verified’ by several their flying monkeys (who are frequently also victims and often wholly unaware they are being used in this way), or so the narcissist will tell you.

In all probability, they have spoken to just one person, who already supports them, who have reaffirmed their picture of you, and therefore made it valid that you are the bitch/bastard/stupid/mindless/crazy person, or whatever label they use.

All these machinations are designed to leave you questioning yourself endlessly. The narcissist will decide, who gets what specific titbit of information, in order to elicit a very definite response from the person/s they are triangulating you with, and to guide that person into thinking about you in a specifically designed way, and the other way around, to guide you into a belief that ‘everyone’ thinks you are what narcissist is calling you, or accusing you of.

In the soap opera, a cleverly planted half-truth, or even an outright lie sets the chain reaction in motion, and so it goes with the next and the next person. Yet, nobody has access to the bigger picture. In the case of the outside viewers of the drama and soap opera playing out, we yell ineffectively at the television or try in vain to assist someone who is on the direct end of experiencing one of these triangulations and cannot see that this is happening to them.

You will question everything about yourself based on this sweeping statement. A mature and loving friend will come directly to you and ask if what they have been told is, in fact, correct and ask for your opinion and what your lived experience of any given circumstance or incident was. An incident incited and provoked no doubt by the narcissist. However, the covert narcissist particularly, is very skilled at linguistic gymnastics and works to keep two or more people apart, in order to keep the lies and the deceit and the whole truth of any given dynamic going, so that the chances that developed adults do not discuss the whole picture, without the narcissists control and input are minimized, and this is the true evil of triangulation by a narcissist.

A covert narcissist in their own smug, self-serving ways are even more adept at using language-specific markers in a carefully thought out way, so their message is heard on many levels, not just the verbal output. The use of only so much information and differing versions of the ‘truth’ to multiple people around you further complicates and confuses the entire interaction. The real danger of the covert narcissist is the passive-aggressive nature of their scheming and the insidiously planted misinformation that sounds so impressively true.

As there is usually a small amount of truth to what they are saying out of context about you, it sounds so believable, it sounds positively right to the recipient of this information, they can cross-correlate this to the one thing they do know to be true, therefore, the narcissist must be, right, right?

Using and manipulating the control and flow of information between people is a powerful way to prompt precise responses to feed the narcissists insatiable appetite for drama and their own need for constant attention (even negative attention), and to reinforce their own position of dominance and omnipotence.

Read that again. If it sounds mind-bending, that is because it is. For you, the victim on the receiving end of this power play, it will buckle your brain, and your emotions and turn the ground underneath you into quicksand, before you have even a chance to begin to understand what has just happened to you.  

The continual feedback loop to the narcissist.

As in the soap opera, that seed of doubt keeps people from simply communicating with one another directly. A way to achieve this is to ‘tease’ out what so and so said about Polly Anna and to tell Polly Anna what so and so said about her. Now we have the perfect storm, so to speak. The narcissist has created the doubt and the mistrust and therefore is assured that these two people will not talk directly to one another other than through the narcissist’s cleverly woven web of lies.

It fits in well with the regular changes of a scene from one character to the next, with the main protagonist in all the scenes and other cast members rotating around that central theme. It is this doubt and mistrust that keeps otherwise straight forward, and wise people from communicating directly with one another and this very dynamic makes it so much harder to realise and see the triangulation for what it is when you are in it.

Ignoring or downplaying the bigger picture

A vital part of the narcissistic triangulation play is to deliberately ignore the bigger picture. A covert narcissist will not give detailed information within a context; the narcissist must make sure the story is vague enough to not withstand intensive questioning and at the same time believable enough that those questions will not be asked.

As with soap operas, so it is with a narcissist in real life. The narcissist will put the spotlight focus on the worst possible aspects of the story, no matter how vague, allowing them to keep weaving the tale of how wronged and hurt they are, while unnecessarily dramatising or overdramatising the events or circumstances.

Professionals, lawyers, psychologists, and others are not immune to this behaviour. Far from it. Their deductions are based on the information they are given and, when only selective information is given with a crumb of truth and the worst possible picture painted, their deductions can be as flawed as everyone else’s.  

Getting into couple’s therapy or involving any other professionals with a narcissist, let me warn you, makes for the happiest of hunting grounds for them. What better and more perfect set of circumstances to triangulate you? I know so many people, myself included, who have been left re-traumatised by the very people who should have been helping. Couples therapy, for instance, is very often warned vehemently against by survivors of narcissistic abuse for this very reason.

Showing you up

The primary function of triangulation is, of course, to show you up to others to be the ‘insert label here’ they are claiming you to be. The more validation they get by giving out half-truths, and outright lies, the more they are likely to keep doing this to you. 

Narcissists will use and abuse the relationships closest to you, which is why the triangulation is always such a double whammy. Shaming you, especially to those closest to you, makes them feel more worthy. The less you are, the better they can feel about themselves. There is no such thing as everybody wins with a narcissist. You must understand that from their perspective winning at all costs, no matter who is hurt, sometimes even themselves, is always of primary importance, because ‘losing’ is deemed as less than. You can’t both be good at something; someone always must be better, and that person is always the narcissist.

Isolation is then achieved. You no longer trust yourself and, in turn, you no longer know who to trust. So, not only has the narcissist isolated you, but you begin to isolate yourself. Believing that what is out there and said about you is widely believed by all you love and trust to be ‘true’. This is a wide fence created from without by the narcissist and reinforced within by you. Again, an effective double whammy which leads to years of loneliness and trauma – real trauma, as you torture yourself over and over again with what was/was not/could have been said or done differently had you only known what you were dealing with.

Breaking the Triangle

Turn the sound down

As much of this triangulation is dependent on your participation, the best thing you can do is watch the drama play out with the sound off. Stop listening to the noise and the lies and become an observer of the ludicrous games played from a distance. Shake your head, sigh at the ridiculousness of it all and move on, in the same way, you would flick through the channels to find something more intellectually interesting to you to watch.

I know that this is not as easy as that. However, giving only direct answers to direct questions, without adding any of your own precious emotional energy to any interaction, immediately removes the sting. Only two or more people can argue, so, remove yourself from the argument. Giving rise to the sought-after provocation is like playing with the proverbial tar baby. The more you try to defend yourself, give explanations or try to clear your name, the more you are feeding into the drama that the narcissist relishes.

This is not a new idea. Re-write the script. Only for yourself. Do not share this with the narcissist or anyone you are being triangulated with. Share it with only a trusted partner or friend or therapist, if you want to share it at all. Reaffirm what you know to be your truth to yourself, without giving that positive energy away to an unappreciative audience. Then move on.

I can hear the question, ‘what if I’m locked into the relationship with the narcissist because they are family, a co-parent, or if you have not yet been able to make the leap out the door to safety?’

These tools are still valuable – to you. Breaking the internal self-talk track on loop in your own head as you replay all the trauma and damage, again and again, does not move you forward. As hard as it may be, sometimes you must walk off the set and hand in your resignation to this soap opera. Find a new gig and give your energy to that.

Yes, you have to do this, even while digging yourself out of a current situation. You do have control of your own internal dialogue. It takes considerable effort to do this, I know, I still find myself slipping into old memories and even fresh wounds, but I have to continually yank myself back to my present tasks and present thoughts and future plans and execute those, no matter how tiny the steps are at first.

Be forthright and direct with others, even if this is daunting.

Don’t be a soap opera. I would caution against confronting every person you believe you have been triangulated with and asking that your side of the story be heard, as this will only give the narcissist more material to work with. Should you be asked directly what your story is, tell it. Unemotionally, factually and without apology. Do not embellish and don’t look for sympathy. Do tell the truth as it is your lived experience and then don’t wait for an opinion. Move on. That person is more than capable of making up their own minds.

Be forthright and direct with the narcissist even if this is daunting.

One-liners are my new best friends. This sounds counter-intuitive, but getting the narcissist back, or even attempting to show them up for who they truly are, when triangulated in any way is not a good idea. Your best defence is your silence and if you have to interact, simple to the point one-liner that is unemotional and bland is the best possible way to deal with these people.

My brother always tells me that if I have a viper in a box, don’t poke it, it will bite. So, it is with your card-carrying narcissist. There is nothing to be gained by being unnecessarily provocative yourself, this will just lead to a nasty bite back and more food for them to feed their ever-hungry selves at the expense of your anger, pain, frustration or hurt. Be as bland and to the point and unemotional in your responses as possible. Do not respond to outrageous statements, let them lie like sleeping dogs and don’t kick them.

Logic and intellectual arguments are the narcissist’s worst nightmare

Think it out? Does what they are saying even make sense? My experience is that it makes little to no real sense at all. The convoluted circular arguments they make that play you rather than the issue at hand are frustrating. Keep at it, keep doggedly bringing the real issue at hand back into play. Again, calmly, in as few words as possible. The less you say, the more effective you will be, the less the narcissist has to work with.

Lastly, take a step back and laugh.

The people who I know who have survived and are thriving after narcissistic abuse, and triangulation specifically, have wonderful humour to share. Your sense of humour can literally save your life and your emotional and mental wellbeing.

The more you see how truly ridiculous all the narcissistic plays are, the funnier they get. However, don’t poke fun directly at the narcissist attempting to torment you. Have a private giggle in a safe space with people who truly love and understand you. Let your first response to their ludicrous lies and manipulations be a big belly laugh, even if at first it is hurtful. Objective distance, turning the soap opera sound off, and stepping back really allows you to see the absurdity of what they do and how they try to do it.